- Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.
- When a tree falls in the forest, Obama hears it.
- Obama can clap with one hand.
- Prometheus was punished for plagiarizing Obama.
- Obama can make a journey of a thousand miles without a single step.
- Socks worn by Obama are used for climbing walls in Spiderman movies.
- Hillary Clinton dropped out of the race when she learned Obama's true name.
- "Obama" is the very first word in the English language to be a verb, adjective, noun, pronoun, adverb, interjection, superlative and pronad. (Pronad is a new category made specifically for the word "Obama" so its power can be fully realized).
- When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week's lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.
- Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.
- A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.
- Every time Obama talks about change, a baby diaper becomes clean and a homeless person's cup fills up with nickels.
- Every time Obama talks about "hope," coma patients regain consciousness and chant "We are the ones we've been waiting for."
- Obama's famous stare once converted 15 Islamic fundamentalists into secular progressives, all of whom are currently employed by Countrywide Home Loans.
- Obama is 50% typical White person.
Obama's real mother was young John Kerry who reproduces asexually when coming into contact with foreign Marxists.
- Obama often says "uh" in his speeches in order to irritate Bill O'Rilley who hangs onto his every word.
Obama always overpays his taxes because he believes that the government will find a better use for his money than he ever could.
When Obama rids the world of nuclear weapons, the red button in his office will control the thermostats in American homes.
Obama brings change to the world every time he closes his eyes and imagines that Twin Towers never existed.
- After a hearty meal Obama has been known to send off a tiny ripple of hope. This tiny ripple of hope in Chicago can cause change throughout the world.
When Obama relaxes at home with his family he switches to a British accent.
Obama's wife is a Klingon.
- Obama's children are named Child 1 and Child 2 respectively.
- Our universe is held together by the force of Michelle Obama's benevolent willpower, but her patience is running thin.
- Michelle Obama has saved humanity from destruction many times and is slightly annoyed that we haven't returned the favor.
- Monica Lewinsky owns "I Barack for Obama" bumper sticker.
- Everything Obama touches begins to vote Democrat.
- More dead people voted for Obama than for any other Democrat candidate in the history of Chicago politics.
- The tingle that crawled up Chris Matthews' leg has taken control of his brain and is reporting a full preparedness to take over the world.
- Obama can make things disappear just like David Copperfield can, but he hates taking things away from the community.
- US Mail Service published Obama's resume on a new first class stamp.
- In the movies, Obama's part is played by Robert Redford.
- Obama can inflate a hot air balloon in one blow. He does it for the children.
- Obama used to spell his name as Ubama but changed it to avoid confusion with Usama bin Laden.
- When Obama fixes his gaze on the clouds, he is reading his next great line from the big teleprompter in the sky, which is unseen to ordinary humans.
- One time the Republicans paid a voodoo priest to reprogram the teleprompter, and then Obama delivered the speech by Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick instead of his own. But courageous journalist Bob Woodward uncovered the plot, forcing the Republicans to resign. As a result, Obama became even more popular with the downtrodden who didn't know that it was Gov. Patrick's speech.
- Obama wrote "Stairway to Heaven" and many other songs popular among the downtrodden.
- Obama's love for the downtrodden heats up the planet's atmosphere by 5.8 degrees Fahrenheit, while his loathing of George W. Bush cools it down by the same amount. That's why the scientists have been unable to detect any significant variations in average global temperatures.
- The main point of Al Gore's book "Earth in the Balance" is that a disastrous climate change can be averted if we all help keep Obama emotionally balanced.
- Obama visited Benjamin Franklin in a dream and told him how to live his life serving the community, but all that Franklin could remember was, how to fly a kite.
- Scientists discovered that a constant repetition of the words "hope" and "change" increases the size of penis in male patients by up to three inches.
- Any sentence containing the name "Obama" and ending in a question mark has been determined to be racist. The only exceptions are rhetorical sentences such as "Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?"
- Obama smokes so you don't have to.
- Obama's cigarettes have been registered at the EPA as a renewable power source contributing 5,000 Megawatts of electricity to the national power grid every time he takes a draw.
- The "smoke" that comes out of Obama's mouth contains rare gases that help replenish the ozone layer and neutralize the industrial pollution.
- Obama once downed a Fox News satellite simply by clicking on a universal TV remote in his living room. Obama then reprogrammed the remaining satellites to broadcast reruns of Keith Olbermann's show, thus expanding the consciousness of the average American TV viewer and raising awareness by 19%.
- When Obama speaks about universal healthcare, the risk of cardiovascular diseases decreases by 58 percent, and the risk of cancer decreases by 60 percent.
- Obama knows that his healthcare plan is going to work because he personally tested it in a leper colony, where he healed everyone by shaking hands and kissing babies.
- In Portland, Oregon, Obama fed a multitude of 75 thousand with five government subsidy forms and two rolls of red tape.
- An unkind word about Obama's family serves as a passkey to the hottest rings of Hell.
- When Obama smiles, somewhere in America a door opens to an abortion clinic.
- When Obama claps his hands, a child is born in a Third World country.
- When Obama stomps his foot, a sweatshop closes in Asia, with thousands of children in the streets demanding that the United States send them financial aid, food, and medicine.
- Deep down, everyone's an Obama.